My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize