hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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