Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
