i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
