I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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