Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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