He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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