Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
