Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
