He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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