Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize