All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
