dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
