woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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