Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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