Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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