pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
