I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
