well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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