Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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