How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
