both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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