So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
