is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
