At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
