Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We left the knife in your bed.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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