she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
