wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
