i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize