Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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