God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
