Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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