sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
