I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
