He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
