So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
pop tarts are not kleenex
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
