i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
