There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
