I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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