if i can run in heels then i can drive
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize