I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
