there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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