the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
