By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
