Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
