I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They have beer where we have blood.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
