New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
