i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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