Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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