Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
