Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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