I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
