toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize