the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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