Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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