You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
