Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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