That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
