Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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