How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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