I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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