i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
