the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
