people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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