hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
