my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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