i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We are two peas in an std pod
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize