I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
