well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
