someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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